Just some thoughts...

It has been a long time since I've posted. It is now Winter quarter at UCLA... hard to believe that my second year here is almost over. It's also hard to believe how my life is going... You don't realize how much changes once you are a college student until you are living it day by day. I mean, life changes occur.. BIG time. Some are good and some are... well just not so good. I constantly think of my first days here at UCLA and how excited and happy I was. Rarely do I feel that happiness anymore. A lot in me has changed and I constantly battle with who I am and who I want to be... Being here has definitely changed my perspective on many things that occur around me. It's hard to explain all the emotions that run through me day by day but happiness somehow has become an object that I constantly try to reach, but somehow furthers itself a bit more each day... I remember when one of my middle school teachers was talking to me.. He told me college experience made him discover his spiritualism and who he really was... And I'm sitting here, thinking really hard. WHO AM I? Why am I here? I mean, I know why I am here. I, along with thousands of other student around the world, am trying to be better and provide a better future for my family... But along the way, I have left behind the joyous and happy human being I used to be. I am here to achieve a goal, but I have yet to find my comfort zone and my place of joy. How can I reach that happiness that I long yearn for? I have school all day and I have a job and I'm trying to get involved. I'm trying to help myself not have ANY time to think. Being alone and in the quiet scares me so much. I over think, and thoughts just constantly eat me alive. I can sit and think for hours... and cry. But I don't want that to happen. I want to just be happy and finish my degree and do something I love. I want to love my life, I want to be happy, but right now it just isn't the time. But anyway, the whole point that I'm trying to reach here is that truth is: Life is not easy. College years are definitely not the best as everyone makes it seem. Yeah, there are parties, there is company, but there isn't truth. There is no truth in who you are. You enter this world of loneliness and unhappiness... Discovering who one is can truly take awhile... Being comfortable with whom you have become is a long process... I really hope that next year things will be different.. It's a new year and I already cannot wait for the next... Sometimes it seems that I am really not here... That this is all a dream which I will soon wake from... Happiness.. That's when I will be happy... When I can wake up from this dream that keeps me afloat and of course, where I can be FREE. Just drift freely with no one to hold on to and no one to respond to. I want to be free... Just be me and discover who I am or what my purpose is... I wish I could just go somewhere else.. alone. Only then, I think, will I be able to find who I am. Only when I can relax and not think of absolutely anything or anyone. Just like sleeping in a cloud. Or just sleeping for an extremely long time...